Finding Joy

Our children, I'm sure like many others, struggle with control issues, many times, to their own detriment. I have read this is a very normal response for children who have lived in unsafe, unpredictable environments...being in control diminishes your chances of becoming a victim. We've been trying to help them understand that letting us be in control doesn't mean, "we win, they lose," but instead, that we could all win.

I was recently convicted that I was the one who was losing...I had lost my joy. I had allowed their moods to control my feelings. When they were up, I was up; when they were down, I was WAY down. I had interpreted their attitudes and actions as personal attacks towards me, believing that I should be able to do something to elicit a different response. "What am I doing wrong? It's my fault they aren't happy." I realized that focusing on the Holy Spirit's work in me was the answer to changing the situation around me. When Paul encouraged us in 1 Thessalonians 5:16 to "be joyful always," he knew it would be impossible if we looked outside ourselves. But if we can train ourselves to look at what God is doing in us, and realize that trials and tribulations (everything outside of our control) are the tools He uses to help us relinquish control, we can find joy in every circumstance. Only God can change hearts and I praise Him for the miraculous work He has already done and promises to complete in our children's lives.

On My Knees

I have been waiting to write in hopes of sharing that the adoption has been finalized...but we are three weeks past the date they had told us and haven't even had our surprise home visit yet. :( Frustrated does not even touch how I have felt these last few weeks! In the midst of trying to adjust to our new life in the city and the new demands of the kids' school schedule, the emotional parenting roller coaster has also reached new highs and lows. When we had shared with Mike's dad about adopting three children, he said, "Are you sure you want three? Why not just start with one and see how it goes?" At the time, I remember thinking, "We've been caring for 30+ kids for the past three years, how hard can three be?" Now, I understand what he was talking about! Parenting one special needs child would be demanding, but three seems downright impossible at times. Mike reminds me often that choosing God's perfect will for our life is never easy and rarely feels good. But does it have to be so painful? My heart grieves because of the trauma they experienced and the way the walls around their hearts affect their daily lives. I desire their trust and love and it hurts to know that it could take years (decades?) to earn it. I miss the daily contact with the children I love at CLM and the camaraderie we shared with the missionaries. I want my children to meet all of you.... These and many other thoughts and feelings torment me and drive me to my knees in tears, where Jesus waits to remind me that He orchestrated all of this from the beginning, that I only need to trust in His plan. Please pray for us as we learn more and more each day about trusting our Heavenly Father.