Less is More

Paradox. The mystery of God. The first shall be last, the weak become strong, the meek inherit the earth, (the golf ball goes farther when you don't swing as hard)....on and on it goes...until you begin to wonder which way is up! The irony of how God takes the broken things of this world and makes them beautiful is something that has always amazed me. This past month, He has done it again in such a personal way that I can do nothing but stand in awe of His power and grace. Along this journey, I've tried to share the highs and lows, the gory and the glory. I will be the first to admit that there have been many times in the last 15 months that I've cried out to the Lord, "What have we done?" I have gained insight into the lives of the families who have stepped out in faith to change the lives of an orphan child, and tasted the bitter truth that they had bit off more than they could chew. There have been many times that I've felt numb, paralyzed by fear and have entertained thoughts of giving up. Each time, the Lord would gently (sometimes, not so much!) remind me that He had spoken and I must trust Him to complete the work He had begun. I felt like he was stripping away each of the things in my life that had given me security--my time with Mike, my own abilities, my family, my relationships with friends, my control of our finances. Each month, I felt like that control was slipping through my fingers and no matter what I did, I couldn't stop it.

I remember that during one of these low times, Mike told me that I was trying too hard. (He may have also told me that I needed a slap across the face to snap myself out of it...but my memory is a little fuzzy on that part!) I began praying about this and was hit with the simple truth, "Less of me, more of You." Another paradox. Less is more. Although I had known from the beginning that God had to do the work in our children and in our family, I was trying too hard to make something happen myself. I had taken it on as my own personal project and was feeling the "agony of defeat." (How many of you are seeing that poor skier tumbling down the mountain?!) God again enters and says, "Child, let me do My part. You have a role but I'm the Only One who can change hearts." And that's what He wants to do! He wants us to step out of the way and let Him work. Then, when we see the miracles, the glory stories, the "beautiful from the broken," we will not be able to take any credit. We will only stand in awe and point others toward Him.

Today, I am standing in awe and pointing you toward Jesus. The lover of my soul, my protector, my provider, the changer of hearts. I have seen a miraculous change in the hearts of our kids (and maybe even more so in my own heart) this past month and I praise God that I can't take any of the credit. I praise God that He is doing His part and I can just be me. No pressure. Thank you, Jesus for the paradox that you have weaved into the core of the universe. Less of me, more of You.

Rest For My Soul

Matthew 11:28-30 "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."

About a month ago, I had written this verse in my prayer journal and was reminded that God desires that I rest in Him. This past week, I have had to physically rest because of extreme fatigue and flu symptoms...and it has caused me to reflect on the meaning of "rest for my soul." I had been so consumed with my shortcomings as a mom that I had neglected the importance of having time for myself. I would feel guilty if I wasn't "available" 24/7 for them, so reading a book, going for a walk, hanging out with a friend, making a phone call--all left me feeling extremely guilty, and consequently, empty. I arrived at a place where I felt like I had little left to give and for those who haven't been there, it is a lonely place. I remember telling Mike that I felt like a different person and I didn't like who I'd become. :( I knew that I had to change, not just for me, but for them. As I started giving these guilty feelings over to the Lord and making meaningful time for myself, my time with the kids has become so much more enjoyable. We have seen incredible gains with each of them over the last few weeks and I can honestly say for the first time, it feels like we are a family. I praise God for the growth I see in each of us and the incredible way He is bonding each of us together. Thank you for standing with us during this time as God prepares us for future ministry as a family.

Finding Joy

Our children, I'm sure like many others, struggle with control issues, many times, to their own detriment. I have read this is a very normal response for children who have lived in unsafe, unpredictable environments...being in control diminishes your chances of becoming a victim. We've been trying to help them understand that letting us be in control doesn't mean, "we win, they lose," but instead, that we could all win.

I was recently convicted that I was the one who was losing...I had lost my joy. I had allowed their moods to control my feelings. When they were up, I was up; when they were down, I was WAY down. I had interpreted their attitudes and actions as personal attacks towards me, believing that I should be able to do something to elicit a different response. "What am I doing wrong? It's my fault they aren't happy." I realized that focusing on the Holy Spirit's work in me was the answer to changing the situation around me. When Paul encouraged us in 1 Thessalonians 5:16 to "be joyful always," he knew it would be impossible if we looked outside ourselves. But if we can train ourselves to look at what God is doing in us, and realize that trials and tribulations (everything outside of our control) are the tools He uses to help us relinquish control, we can find joy in every circumstance. Only God can change hearts and I praise Him for the miraculous work He has already done and promises to complete in our children's lives.

On My Knees

I have been waiting to write in hopes of sharing that the adoption has been finalized...but we are three weeks past the date they had told us and haven't even had our surprise home visit yet. :( Frustrated does not even touch how I have felt these last few weeks! In the midst of trying to adjust to our new life in the city and the new demands of the kids' school schedule, the emotional parenting roller coaster has also reached new highs and lows. When we had shared with Mike's dad about adopting three children, he said, "Are you sure you want three? Why not just start with one and see how it goes?" At the time, I remember thinking, "We've been caring for 30+ kids for the past three years, how hard can three be?" Now, I understand what he was talking about! Parenting one special needs child would be demanding, but three seems downright impossible at times. Mike reminds me often that choosing God's perfect will for our life is never easy and rarely feels good. But does it have to be so painful? My heart grieves because of the trauma they experienced and the way the walls around their hearts affect their daily lives. I desire their trust and love and it hurts to know that it could take years (decades?) to earn it. I miss the daily contact with the children I love at CLM and the camaraderie we shared with the missionaries. I want my children to meet all of you.... These and many other thoughts and feelings torment me and drive me to my knees in tears, where Jesus waits to remind me that He orchestrated all of this from the beginning, that I only need to trust in His plan. Please pray for us as we learn more and more each day about trusting our Heavenly Father.

Gratitude

This week before we prayed at lunch, Mike asked the kids to share about a blessing in their life. We were both shocked to see all three of them begin to squirm, eventually becoming irritated. One claimed to not be able to think of anything, while the other two tried to cop out with answers of "air" and "life." Well, those responses didn't sit well with us! I actually became angry, thinking about how much their lives had changed in the past year. I took a deep breath and asked, "You can't think of ANYTHING that you are thankful for?" The conversation took a nasty turn and one of our precious children was sent to their room without eating lunch. (Guess you should have been thankful for the food on the table!) I decided it was time to take inventory of some of the "blessings" at their disposal...and as I packed up the TV/DVD remotes and the video game controls, I thought, "I guess they want to learn the hard way!"

I began to reflect on how God must feel as He pours out blessings on His children. (As a parent, I know I can't question why He would resort to other measures to attract our attention!) The wonderful things He has done in my life have accomplished very little in comparison to the horrendous pain of watching my mom die of cancer. Now again, through the daily anguish of trying to break through the barriers around my children's hearts, His Spirit is ever present and I experience the power of His amazing love that at times seems elusive. Just as I desire the best for my children, how much more is He willing to do to capture our hearts? To ensure that our trust lies only in Him? Please pray for our family as Mike and I continue to navigate this journey.

Life's Transitions

Last night, all three of our kids were upset with us because they had to study. I told Lindsay, "Some things you won't understand until you have your own children." She quickly retorted, "I'm not going to have any children," to which I replied, "That's what I thought, too...but sometimes God has other plans!"

God has a knack for throwing curveballs every now and then. You are heading down a road, thinking you know exactly where you are headed, and suddenly you realize you have no idea where you are. Coming to Brazil, serving at CLM orphanage, adopting three children...all easy decisions because God's voice was crystal clear and we knew we needed to be obedient. Suddenly, I am a mom of three adolescents, and things have become a little blurry!

Adoption is an emotional roller coaster that has my stomach in knots most days. Joy, sadness, pride, anger, anticipation, worry...sometimes all in the same hour! I am daily reminded of God's extreme patience and love for us, His adopted children. The uncertainty of what new issue will cause a blood pressure spike tomorrow, if we'll have enough money to pay our bills next month, or where we'll be living next year...causes me to cling to the Lord more than ever before. I'm afraid that means that He likes when my life is unpredictable because He reiterates that He is my constant, my rock, and my source. He will continue to throw me curveballs, and during each of these transitions in my life, I will learn more about being His child.

By Your Side

Why are you striving these days?
Why are you trying to earn grace?
Why are you crying?
Let me lift up your face
Don't turn away
Why are you looking for love?
Why are you still searching
as if I'm not enough?
To where will you go, child?
Tell me, to where will you run?
Where will you run?

Because I'll be by your side
Wherever you've fallen
Dead of night
Whenever you're calling
Please don't fight
These hands that are holding you.
My hands are holding you
Look at these hands and my side
They swallowed the grave on that night
When I drank the world's sin
So I could carry you in and give you life
I want to give you life.

Because I'll be by your side
Wherever you've fallen
Dead of night
Whenever you're calling
Please don't fight
These hands that are holding you.
My hands are holding you.

'Cause I, I love you
I want you to know
that I, I love you
I'll never let you go.
--Tenth Avenue North

"Reaching the World, Three Children at a Time"

I can't believe it has been a year since we shared with you about God's leading to adopt Ben, Jenna, and Lindsay. They have changed so much, inside and out...but I think Mike and I have changed even more. I never imagined the emotional toll these three would have on my heart, which I've always worn on my sleeve. I find myself (daily) crying out to the Lord for understanding, to remind me of who I am in Him, and to reassure me once again, that He called us to do this incredibly frustrating, wonderful, overwhelming, life-changing thing called adoption.

We moved off of CLM campus last month so that Ben, Jenna, and Lindsay could have a fresh start. We anticipated that the transition (new house, new school, new church, new friends) would be a challenge for them but we underestimated how it would affect us. Living with and loving 30+ other children as your own for 3 years and then realizing God wants you to focus on only three of them has been difficult. This past year, Mariane, Maria Luiza, Caroline, Carolaine, Donei, Luana, Geovane, Patricia, and Romulo also said goodbye to CLM, each leaving a void in our lives, as well as in the lives of the other children and missionaries. We pray and trust in God's best for each one but there is still an emptiness that remains. Although we have been back to visit CLM, we recognize that our kids need to know that they are our priority. We have invited their two best friends from CLM, Lucas and Maria Joana as our first weekend visitors in our new home. Pray for us to know how to navigate future contact with the orphanage and how it affects our kids and their bonding with us.

Each day, Mike and I find ourselves planning the next strategic step in addressing the special needs of each of our children. They each have developmental gaps in varying degrees, and for this season, our primary goal is to provide a predictable, consistent, and safe environment for them. Next month, the adoption will (FINALLY!)be finalized and we are excited to begin an official countdown of Ben, Jenna, and Lindsay's two-year journey to become American citizens! Although we are hoping to get them back sooner to meet family and friends, it has been confirmed because of our unique situation, we need to live here for two years before they can legally enter the U.S. without tourist visas. It isn't what I would have planned...but I'm believing that it is best for each of them and that God will use this time to bond us together as a family.

Thank you so much for your continued prayers and financial support. When we started down this path four years ago, God laid on our hearts a phrase for our mission, "Reaching the World, One Child at a Time." We never imagined the road would lead us to inviting three of those children into our home. Your support, more than ever before, is truly touching the lives of Ben, Jenna, and Lindsay. We praise God for each of you and all that you have done to make this possible.

Blessings!

Luana's New Family

Last Friday, Luana said goodbye to CLM and hello to her new life in Sao Paulo. Her new mom came by bus in the morning, completed the necessary paperwork at the courthouse, and left with her daughter in the afternoon. I was blessed to have some one-on-one time with Lu the day before, when I picked her up from school to have lunch together. She spent most of the time on my lap which made it even more difficult to hold back the tears as I shared with her how happy I was that God had chosen a family for her. I was caught again in the paradox of realizing that I had prayed for three years for a forever family for this precious little girl but my heart still was not ready to let go. I had hoped that our friends, Steve and Tammy would be her parents and that she would be a part of our lives forever. Please pray for Luana as she begins her new life and for Steve and Tammy as they grieve the loss of a child.

Luana

Our precious little Luana was finally released for adoption last week, after being at CLM for three years. Our close friends, Steve and Tammy from Canton, have been desperately praying for this moment, wanting Luana to be a part of their family. They were here last August to adopt Donei and are prepared to return if Luana becomes available for international adoption. It is law, however, that children are available first to Brazilians and a couple has already expressed their interest. Please pray with us that God's perfect will is done and Luana is matched with her perfect forever family.

The Cochran Five!

It's been almost a year since we invited Ben, Jenna, and Lindsay into our family...but we finally have the guardianship! After meeting individually with each of the kids on Friday, the judge told us that he would finalize the adoption in two months. It is customary with Brazilian adoptions to have a six month period but he said that it wouldn't be necessary since we had already been living together at CLM. This means that we can get the kids' passports and start the process of visas in May...and begin to plan their first trip to the U.S.! Please continue to pray for us as we begin to research the next step in this journey.

More T-Shirts!

We received a surprise package last week filled with tye-dye shirts for all the kids! They were made by the youth group at First Friends Church in Canton who have been faithfully praying for our kids. Thank you, Joel, Chrissy, and all who helped with this fun blessing!

"Eagles" at CLM

Our friends, Tammy and Steve have been back in Ohio now for almost seven months and Donei has adjusted well to his new home. He's doing well in school, is involved at church and youth group, and was a star on his soccer team. He's even been asked to come out for the football team next year as their kicker. His English is so good, he is actually forgetting some of his Portuguese already! Donei's soccer team sent these t-shirts for the kids--even our little ones wanted one! Please continue to pray for Donei and his new family.

Could this be the week?!?!

For those who have been following our journey, you probably noticed that we weren't rejoicing 10 days after my last blog entry! :( If you can believe it, the judge left again on vacation, promising me that he would pass everything along to the other judge and asking us to return in "TEN MORE DAYS." Well, on the tenth day, we returned to the courthouse to find that nothing had been done. However, our social worker had returned from vacation and assured us that all she needed was the judge's signature and she would do everything she could to get us the guardianship this week. Although the last 11 months have been frustrating at times, we are so thankful that we were able to "unofficially" start our family last April. We are believing in faith that Ben, Jenna, and Lindsay will officially be ours in the next few days! Thank you for standing with us in prayer.

Progress!

Since Luciana, our social worker, is on vacation, we took the opportunity to speak to the judge directly. I wrote a letter, explaining our situation, in case I wasn't able to meet personally with him...but after two hours of "patiently" waiting at the courthouse, he ushered me into his office. I quickly discovered that he was very aware of every detail of our situation...except the U.S. law that requires a two-year waiting period after receiving the guardianship before Ben, Jenna, and Lindsay can obtain U.S. citizenship. He immediately stood and asked me to follow him. We walked to Luciana's office where he gave instructions to another social worker and told her to make our case her priority. (LOVED that!) He explained to me that the district attorney was the next step in our process but if all went well, we would have the guardianship in TEN DAYS! Please continue to pray with us!

Adoption Update

Many of you have emailed, anxiously waiting with us to see if anything has happened with the adoption. We were told the process would be "simple," once we received our permanent visa...I'm wondering if that has another significance in Portuguese?! Mike's visa was approved in October, but not posted until December....by the time we knew about it, the guy at the police station was on vacation for a month so we had to wait for him to return to print the document. In the meantime, the judge went on vacation and didn't get back until January 17th. As soon as he returned, we discovered that the social worker we had been working with for 16 months...WAS ON VACATION! We were strongly reminded again that God's ways are not our ways! :) We know He is in control and His plans will not be thwarted. We are embracing what He has for us in this moment, grateful that we have the opportunity to enjoy this time with the kids. Your prayers are greatly appreciated! :)

New Strength

Don't you know that the Lord is the everlasting God, the creator of all the earth? He never grows faint or weary. No one can measure the depths of His understanding. He gives power to those who are tired and worn out; he offers strength to the weak. Even youths will become exhausted, and young men will give up. But those who wait on the Lord will find new strength. They will fly high on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint. Isaiah 40: 28-31 New Living Translation

2010 was definitely a year of waiting on the Lord for us. I have felt "tired and worn out" many times but am so thankful for the assurance that my God is the everlasting God, the creator of all the earth! He hears the faintest cry of our heart and responds with exactly what we need, exactly when we need it. The last nine months as instant parents of three adolescents have been the most challenging and rewarding of my life. I praise God that He chose us for Ben, Jenna, and Lindsay's forever family!

The judge returns from vacation on January 17th and we hope to meet with him to obtain legal guardianship for the adoption. Please continue to pray for God's favor with the judge as we take the next step in this process!

Our Permanent Visa Has Been Approved!

Long story short...it was actually approved on October 5th but wasn't posted until December! I guess that is to be expected when we've waited 20 months! We quickly contacted the social worker that has been working with our case...but were told that she couldn't meet with us until the following week. Then, at the meeting, she informs us that she can't set up our first interview until December 20th. When we told her that we had hoped to be in Guarapuava before school started in February, she said there were no guarantees. This was very frustrating considering it was last December that she told us that once we had our visa, the adoption process would be very simple and only take a few days. Anyway, we were pretty disappointed but sat down afterwards and gave everything to the Lord again, trusting in His perfect timing. About halfway home, we were rounding a sharp curve and a car went left of center into our lane. The car in front of us swerved as the other car hit the back of them and started coming directly head on towards us. Mike swerved to the right as we were pelted by the debris from the collision and just barely missed being hit. Two men, a woman, and two children got out of the car in front of us after we both pulled over. I went to hug her and told her that I thanked God for protecting all of us and her eyes just filled with tears as she clung to me. After everything was resolved with the driver of the other vehicle, Mike and I were reminded again that He is in total control! It was beautiful to see how wonderfully He cares for us and protects us. Thank you for your prayers for God's perfect timing of our adoption!

HAIL AT CLM?!

Last week, we experienced something that has never happened at CLM...without even rain in the forecast, we were pummelled with hail for almost an hour! Although we've seen hail here before, it has only lasted for a few minutes before the sun pops back out and quickly melts it away. This time, however, we had enough to have an "iceball fight," make "ice angels," and build an "iceman!" (If you have time, check out the video that others have posted at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rW8bQNG0F4Q). Everyone had a blast while it lasted but unfortunately, there was quite a bit of damage done to some homes and businesses in the colony and crops that had recently been planted. Thank you for praying for those who were affected.

Saying Goodbye

Our last night with the Columbus team was chaotic but fun...imagine playing Bunco with 28 people, with only a few people who understood how to play?! Throw in three kids under the age of five, 30 minutes of explaining directions, Rice Krispie Treats, prizes...there were lots of laughs but also a few headaches by the end of the night! We are so thankful for Sue, Colleen, Teresa and Lauren...their generosity and servants' hearts blessed us beyond words.